Letter of Denise Donato addressed to the bishop of her diocese

October 8, 1997

Dear Bishop,

Over the past month I have read and reread your article in New Theology Review, and I have both prayerfully considered, and labored over, this letter. Seeing the courage you displayed in making this article so public through the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, has given me the courage I need.

It seems that over the course of the last several years, my spiritual journey has repeatedly and frequently led me to the position of asking the tough questions. This has never been a position I have been comfortable in, yet when I look at the example of Christ, I know that Jesus continually challenged those He came into contact with. In reading your article, I know you can relate to the struggle (and growth) that comes with asking the questions which most people dare not give voice to. I realize of course, that this is not the first time I have presented you with a tough question. In a sense, this time it is even more difficult, because it is much more personal.

In the last few years I have finally given credence to Christ’s call in my life to the priesthood. It is a call I have felt for many years, but one which I have continually discounted, thinking that I must be mistaken- “Why would God call me to the priesthood?! It is not even possible for me to follow that call- could this be a divine exercise in frustration?” Because of the limits the Church has placed on me, simply because of my gender, I have questioned my call in every way possible. I have faced my own deep feelings of unworthiness, and have found many excuses to dismiss this call. But the more I have tried to dismiss the call, the more insistent it has become. I finally came to realize that underlying all of these doubts, was a fear of getting in touch with the deep pain that acknowledging my call brings. I was never sure I could live with the pain of acknowledging my call, receiving the necessary degree, and then remaining in a church which would never recognize it. This pain is very deep, because not only has Christ placed His call in my heart, but He has also placed a deep desire to follow that call. It touches something very, very deep in my soul, and it is difficult to even give words to the feelings which accompany this.

I am angry that my only options when I graduate with my M.Div. will be to either leave a tradition which I love dearly to follow a call to ordination, or to remain in the Catholic Church and continually be faced with the pain of not having that call fully realized. I recently had an image come to me in prayer of being given this beautifully wrapped gift by Christ. I felt this excitement to open the gift and to explore what was inside the box- what does it hold for me, how does it fit, what are its nuances, how will God use it? Suddenly I realized that the gift in the box was the priesthood, and I was immediately overwhelmed by this extreme sadness that I could not even unwrap the box in the church that I love, much less ever try it on for size, in fact even naming it can be risky.

I am writing to you now, because I now know with every part of my being that this is my call, and this call is not meant to be an exercise in frustration. I am asking you as my Bishop, to help me to continue to explore my call, and to explore with me options which will result in my ordination, and the ordination of other lay women in our diocese. It would seem that the Vatican II documents open the door for us to explore this possibility. Yes – I am asking you as my bishop to find a way to ordain. Please know that this question only comes after a great deal of prayer and internal struggle. In fact, in praying about this recently I wrote in my journal “I am afraid to hope- afraid to trust it. I have sealed over some of the pain and yet again the wound is being broken open. Yet Lord, I know you are in this and I need only trust in you.” I trust that you will hear the earnestness of this question, and that this will undoubtedly raise in you (as it has in me) a great deal of internal struggle and prayer. My hope is that we can journey through this together over the next few years, while I complete my schooling.

As a lay woman I am exercising the freedom, which Vatican II acknowledged, to speak the truth, and I am trusting that this will be heard and respected. As you said, tradition develops “not just in authoritative teaching, but also through the contemplation and study of believers, through their intimate understanding of spiritual things.”

I have included a copy of my call story. This was prepared for my Self-Discernment in Ministry class based on the format discussed by William H. Myers in God’s Yes Was Louder Than My No. It was a very emotional paper for me to write, but I feel it represents Christ’s work in my life in this regard, as well as the vehemence of this call. I would very much welcome an opportunity to talk with you about all of this.

Prayerfully and Respectfully,

Denise Donato

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